Alma 9: Face Off!

#125 Alma 9: Face Off!

The boring BUDDY-COP sermon without the BUDDY

In this episode, Gigi and Patience dive into Christmas propaganda, and the eternal struggle of being a Lamanite in a Nephite world (or vice-versa because in a refreshing twist, Alma doesn't seem to see much of a difference in this chapter). Patience gets a job, then is fired for calling out someone's religious hypocrisy. And Gigi, suggests a career change as an "AI wrangler", like the kind potentially employed (but probably not) on the Church's suspiciously perfect "Light the World" campaign.

The same campaign website has a silly "Kindness Randomizer," tool to suggest useless things to do over Xmas (that only make sense if you transposed the 1950s into 2024). Stuff like, making art for your dad, or sending a kind text. Gigi suggests productive ideas like "take in homeless people", or "clean your damn room." Patience suggests dad probably just wants 5 minutes alone.

The duo tackle Oakes' recent devotional speech where he addressed accusations that LDS parents in Utah are excluding non-LDS peers from socialising with their spawn. Gigi suggests it's probably less intentional, and more a result of always being at church activities.

But the real star of the show is Alma 9, where Alma and his "toy boy" Amulek deliver a fiery sermon full of threats, repetition, and stiff-necked insults. Gigi and Patience dissect the chapter, and Alma's obsession with being "cut off from the face of the earth", and his twist in favor towards the Lamanites. Turns out, God likes them better than the Nephites in this town, who are apparently just too blessed to function. But ultimately God seems to hate everyone he has made. Why doesn't he blame himself?

The episode wraps with a wild tangent about Joseph Smith's probable adoration of itinerant preachers at tent revivals, his aversion to hard work, and his genius for turning religion into a lucrative business. Gigi and Patience fantasize about starting their own church, the "Church of the Big Fuck You," where tithes are replaced with "fuck you money."